As I sit here writing this, listening to Mozart's “Exultant Jubilate,” I feel I should offer penance to God for having attended Hedda Lettuce's Christmas show at the Metropolitan Room. I could say that I thought I was going to the Metropolitan Opera, but I would fool no one – especially Hedda, drag queen extraordinaire.

The green-haired and voluptuous Ms. Lettuce had her audience pegged the moment she took to the stage.  I was relieved that the show was sold out and that I was all but hidden behind the piano – the better to escape her hysterically funny, judgmental barbs.  A combination of Don Rickles and Dame Edna, Hedda had the audience of predominantly gay men in convulsions.  My husband, perhaps the only "straight” man in the room, tried to hold a stone face, but by the end of show was weeping with laughter.

What is so funny about Hedda Lettuce?  Well, a man in woman's clothing may be good for a laugh, but Hedda looked better than most of the female friends with whom I grew up on Long Island. Blessed with clear skin, even features and a shapely figure, she was extremely attractive.

At this point it must be stated that her show was truly blue and not for the faint of heart.  There was not a body part that was not dissected (sometimes literally), and all acts of love were exploited to the lowest common denominator. Hedda is a very dirty girl.

It would give away too much of the show by listing all her songs, but a touching "Madonna Menopause" might be the politest one.  Certainly, the tune about the "Nasty Tranny in the Barn" could have been seen as mean spirited by a less bloodthirsty crowd.  "Guest star" Wendy Ho lived up to her name – a southern belle whose many needs of the flesh would make Tennessee Williams blush (and Blanche Dubois blanch).

The staff at the Metropolitan Room is most friendly and accommodating, serving truly evil pies and fancy drinks. The less self-indulgent can enjoy the humus or spinach dips with pita.

It’s still possible to catch Hedda's Christmas show at the Metropolitan Room, on Friday 12/26, Saturday 12/27 and Sunday 12/28 if you are in need of some bawdy entertainment as an antidote to the usual holiday treacle. I know I was, and left the theater ready and willing to pay my penance.

Melody Breyer-Grell
Cabaret Scenes
December 20, 2008
www.cabaretscenes.org